In my 20’s, I wrote the List. You know, the “My Dream Relationship” list where you tell the Universe what you want, and you read it every day, visualize it being your reality, and like magic, it suddenly appears simply because you want it so damn bad. Yeah well, it worked, sort of. I met the man on my list, who embodied my #1 from day one. He really loved me. I know this because he told me all the time, he showed me by always wanting to be with me, he held me when I was in pain, he took me anywhere I needed to go, he desired me no matter how ugly I felt, he agreed with all my opinions, and he procrastinated in all the areas I did. He believed in me when I doubted myself, he never made me question his faithfulness, and he made me laugh when I was far from happy.
After 9 1/2 years of dating, I realized my list was designed to find a man who was just like me, yet who could give me the things I couldn’t give myself, the deficiencies of all the other men in my past, starting with my father. But this relationship wasn’t designed to motivate me to a better version of myself, it was set up to blind and protect me from ever having to grow. And this is why, after 9 years, we were still going nowhere new.
It’s quite alarming when you realize you’ve misinterpreted self love, for how much you feel loved by someone else.
So in my 30’s, I made another list. And this time it was 128 very specific details long! I was no longer settling, and with a little more maturity, I understood I couldn’t ask for what I wasn’t capable of giving, so I went to work becoming all the things I wanted from my partner. You know, essentially what any spiritually evolved, responsible, mature woman does, when she’s manifesting for her life. After awhile, I felt so strong, clear, and finally ready to dive back into another relationship. But soon, I found myself in dating situations where I was clearly the better man. How did this happen? I lead the conversations, I had better inspired ideas, I was the planner and creator of all our great adventures, I took care of my needs and his, I was highly respected and I was usually the more efficient provider. I learned a lot about myself from those men. But probably the most important thing I learned was, “I want to be the woman.”
Not that I abide by out-dated gender roles, but when I needed help, guidance, romance or even comfort, it was rarely returned.
Just because you’re a woman who can "do it all", doesn’t mean you should have too. What’s the need for a relationship, otherwise?
Everyone has a masculine and feminine energy, and all of us are more dominant in one or the other. But 2 masculine energies in a relationship will never work, just as 2 feminine energies will never last. So as I entered my 40’s, the big question was, “What does it truly mean to be feminine, to allow myself to be the woman in a relationship?”
The most interesting thing I’ve found is the more I learn about how I was designed as a feminine woman, the shorter my infamous list has become. Sure I have my deal breakers, but they hardly need to be written down, for there wouldn’t be a meaningful attraction or connection without them.
Today, I essentially, have one true need from my partner, and that is, to feel SAFE.
When I feel safe, I feel like I can be my whole authentic self.
I can feel my feelings, and not fear being feared.
I can be vulnerable, and not brace myself for being abandoned.
I can unveil my beauty, inner and outer, and be fully desired and accepted.
I can speak my Truth, and feel truly heard.
I can feel broken, yet still feel completely held.
I can be lost, and be lead towards God’s view for my life.
I can change, and still trust that I am enough.
I can live out my dreams, and be admired and celebrated.
I can make a fool of myself, and laugh about it and still feel adored.
I can completely fail, and still be wholly loved.
There really is nothing sexier than a man who knows, trusts, and loves himself enough to say, "I got you.” And for a strong woman, to feel safe enough to fall into his arms, look him in the eyes and reply, “I trust you” is everything.