Is anyone else confused lately?
Suddenly it feels like I’ve been plucked out of my old life, my vision and master plan to move ahead in the world has lost it’s impact and confidence, my patience with waiting out this massive transition is growing thin, and there are people in my life that I’m now questioning how they even got there.
There are ancient familiar family voices ringing thru my mind, “Get over it. Other people have it so much worse than you. You’re lucky to get what you have.” My much younger wounded self responds, “Just stop trying. Stop wanting more. Stop feeling. Just shrink yourself and fade into the background, no one will even miss you. Pull the curtains down, the covers up, and go back to sleep.”
But here’s the thing. I can’t sleep. There’s a NEW voice in town, and she is one fiery, determined chick who likes to keep me up all night. “Yes, you’re in the dark. I took you there, but you asked me too! You said you wanted to expand and BE more. You asked how you could Love yourself more. You wanted to know what it felt like to be whole. You said you were ready to step into your destiny and the responsibility that came with.”
Damn. She’s right. I did ask, umm… rather, beg, bargain and plead for all these things.
So in the past couple of days, I did what I have learned to do when I find myself alone in a very scary, dark place. I turned the light on. First, I called a friend, “Do you know where the light switch is?” She actually seemed to know, but there’s some secret code to turn it on, so I needed to keep seeking. The next day, I told a couple of other people where I’d been told the switch was, and they agreed it sounded right, but still no code. I googled it, asked Suri, listened to podcasts, and watched Super Soul Sunday until 5am, but still no clues to get this darn light turned on.
Then, I called my acupuncturist. I had sent at least 5 other people to this incredibly gifted healer in the past month, but hadn’t taken time to send myself. Of course, he fit me right in. As I laid, literally in the dark, for 3 hours with needles all over my body, my mind drifted in and out of the most meaningless things, they can’t even be remembered.
But in the silence of that last hour, suddenly the light came on. And I deeply remembered why I don’t come back to this place very often.
My chest tightened with anxiety, my eyes filled with tears, as I was having conversations with my past. I couldn’t help but notice this room used to be wall to wall stacked with boxes and it was so overwhelming, I didn’t want to deal with any of it. Now there were only 3 boxes left, but they were the heaviest ones.
I found it enlightening though, they weren’t heavy from my own pain, or shame, or suppressed anger anymore. They were filled with the weight of the other people involved, who contributed to my pain, shame and anger.
That’s when I realized, what lies in these boxes is why I haven’t written the book I’ve known I must write. This is why I have been content to remain in the comfort of the shadows with my gifts. This is why random people keep asking me, “Why don’t more people know about you?” and I have no real answer. I can’t move forward, as long as I’m still protecting and carrying the people in my past. I’ve subconsciously appointed myself responsible for their feelings, their consequences, and the lives they’ve created, while diminishing my own.
I imagine myself letting them all go and stepping into the calling that’s been pulling me, and I’m scared, actually terrified. I’ve felt like this, been like this, and collected boxes like this since I was at least 6 years old. 38 years of ‘normal’ is now offering me a choice to see what’s behind DOOR #2.
It occurs to me, I’ve never been scared to break away and step into new, uncertain territories before, but that was to SURVIVE and bury my past so deep in success, maybe even I would forget. But this time, there is nothing to survive, only a story aching to be told, an anger that’s morphed into passion, a pain that deeply empathizes with so many others, and profound wisdom that feels too important to keep all to myself.
So here’s what I’ve known, but I know FOR SURE now.
Life truly is a paradox, perfectly designed by God. I say I’m ready for a new adventure, and God removes me from my cozy life, and moves me to a dark, empty hallway. I ask for wholeness, and God asks me to embrace where I’m most fractured. I ask for the compassion to love myself more, and I meet the part of myself I’m most afraid of. I plead for a new experience in love and intimacy, and Love demands that I fully allow the destruction of my old self first, to give birth to the NEW.
After all of this awareness, I was bursting inside to tell my acupuncturist, and get his thoughts. But he was ‘closed’ already. He only wanted to know I had received the message I came for, and sent me away with a hug. So I walked outside, where the sun was seconds away from resting for the day, got in my car, and said, ”Well, I guess it’s just you and me, God.” And then I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. That thought used to make me so sad and angry and lonely. But today, there’s really no one else I would want in this hallway with me, emptying out these boxes, creating a clear pathway to my next open door. So I enter into this hallway just as I am...confused, broken, and tired. Then God takes all of that and reveals my True identity. And I finally move forward into the unknown, knowing all I need to know. I am loved, I am chosen, and I am whole.